


Sun From Both Sides

by tensofthousandsoftinyships (evilolive)



Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-24
Updated: 2015-06-24
Packaged: 2018-04-05 23:48:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4199721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evilolive/pseuds/tensofthousandsoftinyships
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At the beach with Cole, Callie et al., Jude talks to Lena and Connor about his changing feelings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sun From Both Sides

**Author's Note:**

> This is pre-prom Jonnor at the beach fic. Pretty much pure, healing family and boyfriend fluff. After Deja Vu, I need it. 
> 
> Originally prompted by the cropped promo image for "More Than Words" with Callie, Cole and AJ at the beach. I needed Lena for the first part, so I made it a family outing.
> 
> Update August 01 2016: I'm fond of this one, I loved writing Lena.

Jude had been on the beach for a few hours now. He’d swum, read his book and played frisbee with Callie, Cole and Connor. He was feeling restless and got to his feet. The nearest place to get ice cream was way down the beach and he looked around for a companion on his walk. Connor was swimming with the others and AJ was with them too. 

Jude lingered for a moment looking at the group playing in the waves, feeling apart from them but not like he wanted to join in. AJ flung the frisbee and Connor leapt out of the water and plucked it out of the air. Cheers of “Woot!” and “Good job!” drifted up the beach and he worked to control a smirk of pride in his boyfriend’s athletic prowess. Connor looked like he was having fun jumping around for the first time in weeks and Jude did not want to drag him away. Connor saw him looking over and pointed to his chest and then up the beach. Jude shook his head, moved his hand back and forth at waist height and pointed at the waves. Connor got the message. He turned back to the game and flung the frisbee with energy and accuracy in Callie’s direction. Callie missed completely, sprawling and going under as she grovelled for the disc in the shallows. 

Jude looked at his watch. It was just on three. Deciding it was probably not worth re-applying lotion at this point, he pulled on his t-shirt, shoved his feet into his sneakers and nudged Mama’s foot gently with his foot. 

Lena put the book covering her face to one side, groped for her sunglasses and sat up. She gave him a warm smile and Jude felt like he’d made the right choice. “I thought about maybe getting ice cream for everybody before we head home,” he said. 

“That’s a lovely thought. Let’s surprise them.” Lena rolled over onto her side and put a hand on her wife’s shoulder. “Honey, Jude and I are going for a wander. See you in a little while, OK?” 

Stef was not sunbathing. She was sleeping. She turned over, murmuring an affirmative grunt, exposing bare skin in the manoeuvre. Lena adjusted the sarong so it covered Stef’s legs again, grabbed her purse, and held out her hand. Jude pulled her to a standing position and they began their perambulation down the beach. 

Jude wanted to keep holding onto Mama’s hand but he let it go. He was getting too big to hold hands with his mother in public. Jude had missed out on many years of handholding, so this was not fair, but Jude accepted that the world was not fair. He got to cuddle up to his moms and his sisters at home, and that was plenty. He knew he was one of the lucky ones. 

Nevertheless, sometimes Jude wished he could stay a kid for as long as possible. The world got scary and confusing and when that happened he wanted to put one foot in front of another and not have to think too hard about anything. That was an easy habit to fall into, so he resisted it and sought out people to be with. Like now he wanted to be with Mama because she would stay quiet if he wanted to be quiet, she would listen if he just wanted to talk and she would have good advice only if he asked for it. 

Most of the time Jude liked that he was getting bigger and older. New and fascinating experiences were opening up to him. There was all the delight and surprise and excitement that went along with his new relationship with Connor. Soon he would be going to a prom with his boyfriend and his big sister and her cool friend. Jude looked up to Cole and was interested to get to know him better. 

Jude walked along next to his mother, the backs of their hands occasionally brushing together. Both of them gazed straight ahead as they walked in companionable silence. As they passed the beach volleyball nets, Lena broke the silence. “So, how are you feeling about your first dance? Excited?” 

Jude had no difficulty answering the question. Most definitely he was looking forward to getting dressed up and dancing and seeing what there was to see at an LGBTQ prom. “Yeah!” he said with forceful enthusiasm. The exuberance did not last, however. Jude found he had nothing else to say. He felt flat and vaguely irritated with Mama for asking the question. Jude did not know it, but the reaction signified anxiety about something or other. It bobbed around below the surface, disturbing mundane tip-of-the-iceberg thoughts about how Connor liked chocolate ice cream not strawberry and what tie went best with his new suit. 

Lena swayed, as though losing her balance in the deep sand. Her shoulder nudged against Jude’s shoulder, providing warmth and comfort and connection. “It’s OK if you’re nervous, sweetie,” she said. “Are you?”

Jude was not sure where his misgivings lay. He struggled to put his conflicting thoughts into words. “There is something…” 

Lena said nothing, waited for him to go on. Their knuckles brushed again.

“…it’s Connor,” he said at last. “I’m wondering about something and I don’t know if I should talk to him about it.”

“Have the two of you had a fight?” 

“No.” 

They had not had what you would call a fight. Nothing like the knock-down, drag-out fights Jude had with Callie on a regular basis these days. Conversation, however, was a little stilted from time to time and Jude dated this from their conversation on the rocks at the end of year party. The temptation was to read reproach in Connor’s silent acceptance of his desire to stay unlabeled. Sometimes, Jude could not help but feel resentful at being the talk of the school. When this happened, Jude told himself firmly that Connor was not responsible for his feelings and not to blame for anything that had happened. On days free of sideways glances and whispered conversations, Jude was able to stay rational. Connor had no complaints about anything other than his foot and had been nothing but sweet to Jude since the gun range. 

Jude admired Connor’s long-suffering attitude and it also worried him. Take Mr Stevens for instance. Connor’s dad was still a giant asshole as far as Jude was concerned though he made sure to be polite and respectful at all times for Connor’s sake. The day Connor had cried on his shoulder and opened up about being shot for the first time, Mom had driven him home and read his dad the riot act, telling him quietly but in no uncertain terms that he needed to go easy on his son and give him more one on one attention. Mr Stevens, of course, respected the authority of a badge. Connor reported to Jude that it had been a pretty nice evening. They had ordered in Chinese food and played old records on his dad’s turntable down in the basement. 

Jude was glad because Connor and his dad loved each other and Connor really needed his dad on his side. Jude wanted to share everything he had with Connor, including the loving acceptance of the Adams-Foster clan, but he knew there were limits to what he could provide. He was Connor’s person, but he could not be Connor’s everything. It sure was interesting being someone’s boyfriend. Connor could be pretty unbridled at times, which Jude found thrilling and a little intense. At school, Connor had his “I don’t give a fuck about anyone or anything” attitude down pat. Sometimes it felt like Jude was getting left behind, stuck in place, while Connor rushed ahead into his future, arms wide open in welcome. 

They stepped off the sand and onto the wooden slats of the pier. Jude unconsciously slipped his arm through his mom’s as he tried to put his hazy, fragmented thoughts into crisp words. “Connor’s been super-understanding about me wanting to take things slow. He says he totally gets it about keeping things, um, on the down low and not labelling myself until I’m sure.” 

Jude felt rather than heard the gentle exhale of Lena’s breath as she walked next to him. “Well, honey, it seems you’ve found yourself a very nice, smart and kind young man.” She squeezed his arm lovingly and Jude rolled his eyes. 

“I know _that_ , Mama.” 

Lena laughed and stopped walking. She grabbed both his hands and turned him to face her. “Let’s sit.” She led him over to an unoccupied bench and they settled themselves to chat under the cover of crying seagulls and yapping tourists. 

Jude felt that his mother was right about Connor, but platitudes and compliments could not help him right now. Jude did not want or need reassurance about his relationship. He wanted sage and practical counsel and tried to get this across. “Sometimes I think I’m not being fair on him. I know I need to take care of myself first, but I want him to be OK as well. We’re going to this dance and people might…” Ask if they were both gay, or just assume it. The possibility made Jude squirm inside with excitement or terror and he was at the point where he actually could not tell the difference. “I’m scared to talk to him about things changing,” he ended lamely.  

“Hmm.” Lena held her son’s hands and was quiet. Jude held hands with his mother on the bench and gazed trustingly into her lovely face. Lena appeared deep in thought, her brow furrowed. Jude waited patiently for his mother to solve his problem and explored his own thoughts in the meantime. He did not know it, but Lena’s extended silence was directed to this purpose. Jude needed time and space to process his feelings and Lena was good at both her jobs. 

Connor was not putting pressure on him. Jude was clear on this point. Connor did not seem to mind anything Jude did; he was happy as long as Jude was happy and forgiving almost to a fault. 

Jude, one half of a newly-minted couple, was starting to learn that he and his beloved were very different people. Their dissimilarities could be startling sometimes, but Jude took things as they came. Easy-going right up until the point that he was not, Jude’s disposition was to behave the same with everyone and his habit was to treat the people he loved with open affection and trust. He had learned that in his crib. Later, after he lost his birth parents, Callie’s fierce and steady love had reinforced the pattern. Despite many disappointments, Jude’s foundational experience of unconditional love sustained him and, deep down, he trusted that loving kindness and acceptance would be returned. Jude felt safe in the bosom of his forever family, if not yet completely safe in the outside world.   

Whilst Jude was slow to anger and careful with his feelings, Connor was an open book. Everyone loved Connor and responded to his gregarious nature, but his skilled performance of amiability concealed a lot of hard paddling going on under the surface. Though Jude could be secretive when threatened, there was no side to him. His natural tendency was to be frank and straightforward, whereas Connor was far along the path of becoming a skilled negotiator and strategist. This was what he had been taught and he had learned his lessons well. Connor, generally friendly and fiercely loving in private, did not hesitate to go on the offence when necessary. He liked who he liked and disdained the opinions of people he did not respect. This persona garnered Connor esteem within his peer group, who treated him with deference and, recently, some wariness. Jude was in awe of his boyfriend’s forthright courage. Basking in the glow of Connor’s adoring regard, Jude was sensible of the privilege of being his chosen one. He also saw beneath the mask to the confusion and pain that Connor hid from the world. Starved of affection at home and accustomed to being praised for his outward achievements and for conforming to his dad’s high expectations, Connor craved acceptance and love. This left him exposed and vulnerable. 

Sitting on the bench, his mother’s hands in his and the scorching late-afternoon sun beating down on his head, Jude felt a wave of love and gratitude for his own family so strong that his heart stuttered in his chest and the blood rushed to the surface of his skin. How was it that he had lucked out so completely? 

Jude was learning that he needed to guard against keeping his thoughts and feelings to himself. Repeated, alienating experiences in seven foster homes meant that it would always take effort for Jude—and Callie—to speak their minds in a timely and levelheaded fashion. Where his sister would rush in, guns ablaze, tearing open old wounds and puncturing hypocrisy in the process, Jude all too easily slipped into the habit of sitting back and observing, adapting himself to the world around him for far longer than was good for anyone. It would be easy to hurt Connor, should Jude start to keep things locked up inside until they burst forth in an explosion of meanness or rage. Jude did not want to treat Connor the way his dad treated him—ever. He wanted to stay being Connor’s safe place. They did not have enough safe places in the world right now, and being boyfriends was all about taking care of each other. 

Sitting in the sun, Jude came to a decision. “Mama, it’s OK. I know what you’re going to say.”

“You do?”

“I’m going to talk to Connor.” Jude and Lena smiled at each other, in perfect accord. 

“Seems you’re in luck. No time like the present.” Connor, a golden retriever, bounded up to them and flung himself on the bench. “Hi, sweetie, how’s the foot holding up?”

Connor shrugged. “I’m supposed to use it and put weight on it but then it goes and collapses on me. Dad says I have to be patient.” Connor rolled and twitched his shoulders, as full of nervous, pent-up energy as his father. He stamped the healing foot on the ground as though this would hurry the feeling back into the damaged nerve endings. Jude was willing to bet that in Connor’s shoes, his dad would be an awful patient. Lena put her hand on Connor’s back and patted it.

“You’ve been through a lot, honey. You’re doing great.”

“Thanks.” A bashful thirteen-year-old looked down at the slatted boards of the pier. “Here, Jude, you forgot this.” Connor, a good boyfriend, handed over Jude’s hat. He took it with gratitude, removing the wide-brimmed straw hat his mother had insistently plonked on his head several minutes earlier.  

“We’re getting ice cream for everyone. I was going to get you chocolate.”

“Cool.”

Lena replaced her hat and pushed her sunglasses up her nose. “I’ve got this. The two of you can make your own way back. Just don’t be longer than half an hour.”

“Can we ride home by ourselves? Please, Mama?” 

Ten minutes later, Jude and Connor held dripping chocolate cones and money for the bus. Water bottles were stashed in the pockets of their shorts. Lena was burdened with a tray of ice cream tubs and the worry that Stef was going to murder her for blowing the family budget on frivolities. The three of them parted ways, Lena floundering across the deep sand and Jude and Connor lifting up their noses, scenting freedom.

“Where d’you wanna go eat these?” Connor sank down on the bench and circled his ankle, weakened from long immobilisation. Jude looked about him.

“Can you make it as far as…?” He pointed towards an empty spot in the middle of the beach. 

“Sure, I can use the exercise. Lead the way.” Connor held out his ice cream-free hand. 

Jude pulled him up and started walking. He kept hold of his boyfriend’s hand, making a pantomime out of leading him across the scorching sand like an intrepid explorer. He pointed with his ice cream, indicating an oasis up ahead. Connor joined in the performance, stumbling and hanging back, pretending to die of thirst before they were halfway there. Jude couldn’t keep it up; reluctantly he let Connor’s hand slip from his and concentrated on catching the drips from his ice cream running down his arm.  

They flung themselves down, crunching their cones and lapping the sticky drips from between their fingers. “Water,” was Jude’s terse verdict. Connor dribbled a careful stream into Jude’s cupped hands and then received the same benediction. Hands clean, they faced each other, cross-legged and hunched over, finally in private. There was no one else within a hundred yards and their hands met, brushing together and moving over and around each other in the hidden diamond-shaped nook between their knees. Jude, head bowed, traced a pattern on Connor’s palm with his index finger. He wondered how to begin. 

“Hey.” Connor halted the dance, catching hold of Jude’s wrist. He plaited Jude’s fingers in his and squeezed gently. “What’s going on, huh?” Strength poured into Jude from the comforting pressure. He closed his eyes, briefly, and took his courage in both hands.

“There’s something I need to tell you. Don’t worry, it’s not bad.” 

“OK. Start at the beginning.”

“This prom, dance thing…”

“I’m looking forward to it. You in a tux…” Jude rolled his eyes and smirked. They had been through this. 

“ _Formal evening wear_.”

“Whatever. You are going to look totally hot.” Jude laughed, then froze as Connor’s words sank in. He jerked his head up, nearly pulling his hands out of Connor’s grip. Connor held onto Jude’s hands more tightly and stared directly into his eyes.   

“Be serious.” Jude’s cheeks were red-tinged under their suntan.

“Oh, I am being totally serious right now.” Connor made a soppy face and put on a high-pitched voice. “Jude, I can’t wait to see you in your ‘formal evening wear’.”

“Uh.” Jude could not take the soft, unguarded look in Connor’s eyes, giving the lie to his teasing words. He dropped his gaze to the safety of their interlocked hands. The contrast of Connor’s stubby, pink fingernails against the brown skin of his hands was pleasing. Jude focused on this as he found his voice. “You think I’m…hot?”   

“Well, duh.”

“It’s just you’ve never said that before. Not about me, anyway.” Connor gripped Jude’s hands more tightly and shook them, jerking Jude’s head up again. 

“Hey! No fair.” 

 _Oh shit_. 

“Never joke about that. You promised.” The soft look in Connor’s eyes was still there, but he was no longer smiling. His face was a mask of pain. He pulled his hands out of Jude’s grasp and folded his arms, clutching his elbows and turning his shoulders to face up the beach. He gazed into the distance and Jude was alone, a fair punishment for his cruelty. Connor, however, deserved better. 

Jude reached for his boyfriend, placing his hands either side of Connor’s neck. He rested his palms on Connor’s collarbone and pulled gently, turning him so that they were face to face once again. Jude made smoothing motions with his hands down Connor’s upper arms, in an attempt to pet and soothe away the hurt he’d caused. Connor avoided eye contact; his skin was flushed dark red. 

“I’m so sorry, Connor. It was a silly joke. It’s just—you surprised me.” 

“Why would it surprise you that I think you’re hot? Don’t…don’t you feel the same way about me?”

The need for reassurance was writ large in Connor’s golden-flecked, hazel eyes. Jude took a moment to pause before answering. It was a serious question and he wanted to treat it with the import it deserved. Gazing back as steadily as he could manage, he said, softly, “Yes, Connor. I do.” 

Connor stopped clutching his elbows and put his hands over Jude’s. He was beaming and flustered. It was pretty cute. “What were you going to say before? About the prom?” 

“Oh, right. Yeah.” Start at the beginning, Connor had said, but they were not at the beginning. Not any longer. It was time for Jude to come clean. Time to place his trust in something bigger than himself. “Connor—?”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t want there to be any…confusion. At the prom.” He paused. “We’re going as boyfriends.” 

“Yeah.” Connor peeled Jude’s hands off his arms and folded them in his bigger ones. He linked their hands together in his lap so that once again their affectionate touches were hidden from the view of passers-by. “Jude? What are you driving at?” He sounded baffled, and Jude could not blame him. 

He sighed. Why was this was so difficult? He did not want people at school talking about him as “that gay kid”, or worse. Not everyone at Anchor Beach was as accepting and kind as Jude’s family and small circle of friends. In public, flying under the radar felt safer and freer for now. The LGBTQ prom was different. Jude craved space and freedom to move through space as himself. But not all spaces were the same. Jude was free of the demand for clarity that Connor imposed on himself. Connor knew who he was, but he also needed the label to reinforce himself against Mr Stevens’ black and white world view. It gave him a sure place to stand. Jude already had one and did not need clarity to feel comfortable and secure. No. Jude wanted for himself what his own dad had talked about on father’s day. Simple pride in who he was and the courage to own it. Jude admired Callie’s friend Cole. He envied the diamond-hard certainty that shone through every time Cole opened his mouth to speak. Cole had the courage to trust in the strength of a friendship, ask a pretty girl to be his date to the dance. Cole might want more than friendship with Callie and was not about to lose his chance out of timidity. It would have been good for Jude to have met Cole sooner—when he was flailing around in the grip of a hopeless crush on his best friend, lying and sneaking out just to be around him, letting the person he loved tie himself up in painful knots and both of them risking their lives for the want of a little honesty. 

Jude felt the pressure of Connor’s big, warm hands encircling his and took the plunge. “Sorry if I’m being crazy right now. I’m just a little scared of what I’m about to say.” 

“Say what? Jude, you’re starting to freak me out.”

“Connor, I’m gay. I don’t know what’s going to happen, nobody does. But it’s how I feel and I don’t think it’s going to change. I wanted to say it to you before I said it to anyone else. I wanted you to hear it from me—before the dance.”

“Well, OK.”

Jude was surprised at Connor’s lack of reaction. “Is that all you’re going to say?”

“What do you want me to say?”

“I dunno…” Jude realised that he had not been afraid of saying the words. He felt no different. Saying the words out loud had not changed who he was inside. He had been afraid of Connor being mad at him. Mad for leaving him to defend them both from the awkward silences that fell when they walked out to lunch together, the occasional catcalls as they moved through the corridors between classes. Jude would slink along, looking at the ground, try to be invisible, while Connor held his head high and stared stonily into space. 

In that moment, Jude decided that trying to be invisible was a shitty, miserable way to live. 

A mischievous light danced in Connor’s eyes. “There is one thing I’d like to say.”

Jude knew the look and played along. “What’s that?” he asked, eyebrows arched and eyes wide open, a picture of innocence. 

“If we were by ourselves, I would totally kiss you right now.” Connor’s words were rueful, his expression no longer flirtatious. He was one hundred per cent resigned that PDA was not on the cards. 

Jude shrugged. “No one’s looking, and even if they are…” _Fuck it_. He leaned over and kissed Connor full on the mouth. A spark jumped between them. The sky did not fall in. Connor gaped like a fish. 

“Jude! What are you doing?”

“Calm down. It’s not like I’m making out with you.” That could wait until they were alone in Jude’s room before dinner. If they were lucky, they might get five whole minutes to themselves. 

“Maybe we can though, sometime. If you’re up for it. That’d be awesome.”

“We’ll need to find a quieter beach.”

“It’s a date.” They grinned at each other. Jude looked at his watch. 

“What do you want to do now? We’ve got an hour before I told my mom we’d get the bus.”

“What I really want to do is run for about an hour or skate or play a game of soccer or something. But I can’t. It fucking _sucks_.”

Jude had an idea. Connor needed a work out and he knew the perfect thing. “Come on.” 

He jumped up and held out a hand to drag Connor to his feet. 

“Where are we going?” With Jude’s help, Connor unfolded slowly and rose to a standing position. He put one hand on his knee and another on his lower back, miming a creaky spine. “Hold on a sec.” Connor put out his bad leg and did a hamstring stretch.  

“It’s not far, you can make it, _granddad_.” They headed for the gymnastic rings and pull up bars in the park overlooking the bay. This time of day there would be shade from the trees on either side of the wooden structures. 

Later, when he got home, Jude would try on his suit again. The cloudy doubts were cleared away leaving nothing but blue skies and wide horizons. Jude loved to dance. At Mariana’s quinceañera, people had slow danced. Jude was looking forward to dancing with his boyfriend.  

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is love.


End file.
